When one journey ends, another begins!
I feel as though I should start this off as simply saying: I am not abandoning anything. While I have been down the same path for a long time now, the gears have slowly been shifting for the past two years. A circle that starts with a tug, pull..slipping into denial and going full circle. Although now I face the idea of having to learn and start a journey from the state of unknowing and completely fresh. It’s both exciting and terrifying.
I toss and turn a lot on the ideas of how Gods see us and view us. By this I mean, our commitments and goals we have set spiritually. Do They feel let down or upset when we break a promise? Do They strike us down when we decide They are not a good fit anymore for our lives? I don’t have the answers but I wish that I did. It brings intense feelings of remorse and guilt bubbling up inside me. Consent is key and I recall saying over and over to others, it’s ok to say no. Its ok to say enough is enough or I’ve outgrown something in my life, thank you.
This is exactly how I am feeling. I feel as though I am down a winding path which leads to a fork in the spiritual road. On one side, the familiar but something I am growing out of and losing connection for and on the other side, a path that has been calling numerous times and it could lead to an entirely new pace in life and spiritual opportunities. It’s a brave thing to up and scramble your routine or to try something new. My fiance’ can tell you first hand how I feel about all this. Does making a change make me human, the spiritual traveler or a traitor to Deity? I honestly would rather not know.
I have had ample chances in my path to make a difference and to try new ideas and styles but as the years go by, I am finding myself more into a rut emotionally with my spirituality. This is of course not the fault of anyone or any God, it’s simply myself growing stagnant with the current pace. People after all, do come and go in various faiths and can wake up in the morning without some grand smite from a God. I guess it boils down to superstition I suppose. No different than things going wrong in your day and blaming the presence of a Deity…was it one of Them or was simply ”a day”.
To give some background (and I have spoken about this before briefly) I had the chance two years ago to witness an exhibit on Vodou. To say to took my breath away was only the tip of how I felt. I was moved to the point of tears because I had never witnessed so much beauty and pure energy in one place. I felt immersed and drowned in history and spirit in a way I had never felt before. I recall in particular, I large altar setup that I kept getting drawn to. I couldn’t tell you why but it was magnetic and hard to fight. I just kept coming back. Not to take more pictures, not to touch…just to stand there and observe this. I didn’t realize then what impact this would have on my spirituality. Shortly after I felt still compelled to do more research, read, learn as much as I could. I kept getting drawn back into it over and over.
I am a firm believer in when you get a calling, you should probably answer. Although I was not sure at the time, I felt perhaps I should leave something. An offering of thanks and upon research I came to learn that Papa Legba would be the best for this. He is gatekeeper and can send messages to and from the Lwa. I left Him out candy, cigarettes, black coffee and rum. I placed them into a wood bowl that I had fashioned his Veve into. That night, I had a pretty vivid and clear dream of Papa. I was using the same bowl I had placed His goodies into but in my dream state, the bowl was filled with raw chicken hearts. Bloody. I was offering them to Him and he seemed pleased, happy with the offering and my presence.
I was confused. More in the sense of, why me and why now? Why all this? Was I meant to see that exhibit? Was I being called to? I ignored the call. Mainly out some silly fear that the gods would strike me dead if I turned my back or explored another path. I’d never turn my back but it’s my choice to say when I can walk away, respectfully.
A year later, I felt called again. Papa had returned and in fact, helped me out quite a bit. I suddenly felt like I was sharing a spiritual space with Gods and now Papa Legba. Despite His help and presence, I ignored the calling again. To be honest, I had found a few seasoned practitioners of Vodou and had asked them bluntly ”I am light skinned, do I belong here with all this?” I have always gotten the answer stating that no one can argue with who calls to them spiritually and no one can make that choice or overrule that spirit(s). Which, makes sense. As humans, we don’t get to override a Deity/God/Lwa choice on who they call to serve. We don’t have that override ability and I tend to shy away from doing such.
Present day. Ring ring, something is calling again. There are few people whom I trust when it comes to getting any messages from any Deity but I know of one who quite simply always gives me chills because when he opens his mouth, all I seem to feel is Odin. I was told by this man that my path with Loki was growing old, short and was coming to a matured and graduated end. This deeply saddened me. I love Loki dearly and the lessons He has taught me but looking then and seeing now, I believe this man was correct. We all outgrow relationships on our lives, even ones with Deity. You are almost too scared to admit such because some people will drag your name through the mud as a ”traitor to the Gods”. I can assure you, this slow splitting apart is not the work of a traitor but more of ”I can’t teach you anymore, kiddo.” Even I can feel the distance, not because Gods are walking away from me in shame but because if they do not walk, I’d stay out of fear. I’d make myself stay on a drying path simply because I felt I had to. But I don’t have to, I don’t have to do anything spiritually I don’t desire. I know that, They know that.
Instead of running from this call, I will deepen my search and start a fresh journey and path. Wether or not this is temporary or where I have been needing to go, we will see what the future holds each and every day. This again, both terrifies me and excites me. But I am ready.
Every path winds and shifts, it can’t stay the same and time will pass.
I have matured, grown and learned on the path before me, I guess it’s time to take that next turn and see where it leads.